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11 Apr 2004
20:55
[Public]
Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hungabout.
Strawberry Fields forever.

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.
It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out, it doesn't matter much to me.
Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hungabout.
Strawberry Fields forever.

No one I think is in my tree, I mean it must be high or low.
That is you can't you know tune in but it's all right, that is I think it's not too bad.
Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hungabout.
Strawberry Fields forever.

Always, no sometimes, think it's me, but you know I know when it's a dream.
I think I know I mean a 'Yes' but it's all wrong, that is I think I disagree.
Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hungabout.
Strawberry Fields forever.
Strawberry Fields forever.


this is the only song that can make me forget everything. i sit in my old room on the floor and just put this on repeat for hours. so mellow, calm. puts me in this daze and i just concentrate on..nothing. it finds a way to get inside me on its own.

mood:  indescribable


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29 Mar 2004
16:16
[Public]
i look around and see something that has a resemblance to a place i wished for since i was in junior high. so excited when we signed the lease, so excited when we went shopping for random objects we would never use for our apartment. now i'm homeless. i am now looking at something she refers to as her apartment. why did i let her trick me into thinking this wasn't half mine? why did i let her kick me out on the street while she tells me she cares? why do i want to belive she does? these are questions that i dont have answers for. i dont know. i see one towel in the bathroom, a twin sized bed on the floor in our bedroom. i am not wanted here, i am just a loathed visitor constantly being watched who takes takes takes but never gives. where are my things? i start looking. buried in closets, hidden away, never want to be looked at again, like a bad memory you've thrown out of your mind. i look at my unfinished living room. half painted pictureless walls, no couch to think your going lay on after you get into an argument even though you know will clear up as soon as you go back into the bedroom and ask for a pillow. our dining room table sits against the wall with one constructed chair. symbolic maybe? visions flashed through my mind of dinner parties, midnight drunken rowdyness that always ends in a passionate kiss and a soft carrass. where has my life gone? flushed down the gossip toilet..another sonny and cher, or bonny and clyde, never to be remembered again. its like a bad movie..you wait for the climax for 45 minutes, when it comes, emotions flow, when it dies down, you eagarly anticipate closure..with me, the movie ends there. leaving me undone and incomplete. you replay the scenes over and over but its not enough, its not what you yearn. "someone has to be happy in the end!" i think to myself, dying to know if the characters you were rooting for lived a meaningful life forever and ever. but what you dont see is, someone is happy. that person isn't the one you wanted to be happy without their co-star. so what do you do to fill the void? nothing. no sequel, no alternate endings...you have to wait, wait for the movie to come out on DVD for the sequels and alternate endings..will you be content with the other options? you'll have to wait for minutes, hours, days, weeks for an answer. i pray for another ending to satisfy me.


Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights the TV and the radio but still I can't escape the ghost of you
What is happening to me crazy some would say
Where is the life that I recognize, gone away

And I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say pride will tear us both apart
Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops runaway
Left me in the vaccuum of my heart
What is happening to me crazy some will say where is my friend when I need you most gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive

mood:  crushed


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23 Mar 2004
10:33
articles[Public]
Attachment style refers to how a person goes about developing all sorts of relationships (Bowlby, Ainsworth, and Bartholomew). These patterns start in early life but go on to effect how we move through friendships, work relationships, family matters and of course the quality of our adult love relationships. It influences things like whom we're attracted to and invite into our lives, how we perceive conflict, how we maintain optimal closeness or distance, and how we leave relationships.
Attachment styles )

Most of us have experienced that heady, erotic, adrenaline driven experience called falling in love. Some of us have enjoyed it once or twice, and others have been there too many times to count. Regardless of the frequency of this sweet ride, most consider it wonderful. We sing, smile a lot, fantasize endlessly about our next encounter with Mr. or Ms Right, usually lose weight because we're not getting enough sleep, and dare to dream that this could be the one. This period is called the Honeymoon Stage of the relationship and, unfortunately, as sweet as it is, it cannot last. No one can sustain the full intensity of such an experience over time. As the honeymoon is winding down or coming to a screeching halt depending upon the styles of the participants, some decide they've fallen out of love and are off to find another wild ride. For others, the change is the signal that they've entered into the second stage of relationship.
Past the Honeymoon Stage By Sunny Lansdale, PhD, LPC )

What to Do When You are Not Fighting or Making Love )

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19 Mar 2004
14:27
[Public]
know what? im not going to get bent out of shape about everything. im not going to hide my feelings or anything like that anymore. im in a good damn mood right now and im not going to let anything ruin it. so forget all the moopy posts and woe is me bullshit and have fun. im going to philly tomorrow night and im going to enjoy it. im going to play laser tag, haven't found anyone yet but i will, on sunday. and tonighti m going to finish painting, put my records on the wall, and install my phones. and ash into my brand new fucking ashtray. booyah!

mood:  energetic


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19 Mar 2004
12:48
from 03-16-2003 some things dont change[Public]
i was thinking, since i have nothing else to do lol, about what i want. i keep thinking, if someone asked me what i want most with someone, just one thing, what would i say? i mean, there's trust, humor, good sex, lol. i decided that i believe anything monogamous is the most important. i'm not a jealous person, but i dont like to feel threatened. i know i'm not attractive and if i am in a relationship, i want to know they will not do any thing to jeopardize our relationship. no i'm not talking about anyone specific. just listening to all my friends who have boyfriends or girlfriends, if you can't trust someone, how are you going to feel safe with them? saying one thing but doing another is hard to deal with.

how do you know when you found the right one? i dont know if i should listen to my heart or my mind. i just ache for someone to hold and someone to open up to without a girlfriend or boyfriend getting jealous, thinking i'm trying to steal their love away. i'm so confused, i never know when to advance or back off..am i hard to communicate with? or too easy to communicate with? damn i dont know where to begin, or where to end. my mind is going crazy worrying about things like this. fuck, why can't anything be simple? ill brb..


annie: wanna see the movie with Queen Latifa
me: eww
me: lol
annie: hahahah
me: not really lol
annie: wanna make out in the movie theater
me: lol
annie: well that's better then a no

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08 Mar 2004
22:52
"its a walk-off! its a walk off..."[Public]
gotta buy paint, gotta buy wood, gotta buy bedding. whew! so so so excited! we start painting saturday. not telling what we are doing!!!!!! my mom is giving me my tv which has a tape and dvd player in it so we dont have to worry about that. spring break is this week. saturday was fun...lol...almost got myself into a fight with a girl i've known for a couple years. she's too much of a puss anyway but i would to challenger her to a walk-off.
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gotta buy paint, gotta buy wood, gotta buy bedding. whew! so so so excited! we start painting saturday. not telling what we are doing!!!!!! my mom is giving me my tv which has a tape and dvd player in it so we dont have to worry about that. spring break is this week. saturday was fun...lol...almost got myself into a fight with a girl i've known for a couple years. she's too much of a puss anyway but i would to challenger her to a walk-off. <does zoolander's pose> :) my mom is cool about me moving out, she is giving me a load of stuff for the apartment. i gotta call dave though for a truck hmm. i dont know how well that will go over. well im going to go do something productive...have a good week everyone :)

mood:  creative
music:  Klezmatics - NY I Adore


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26 Feb 2004
02:14
my rant of the night[Public]
i think porn is pretty stupid. if you can get off to someone's picture on a glass screen then...yeah. i think its degrading. not to the female gender, just to me. i'm not comfortable with my body so its okay to look at naked strangers on a screen? josh tried that and i wasn't having it. the worst part is, he did it on my own computer while i was away! some slap in the face. i dont care if anyone else likes it or not, i am just not comfortable with my body to be okay with watching my partner masterbate to someone else.

other than that, life is great, moving out soon. check out [info]johnthcandyvamp and add me if you want because i dont know how long i am going to keep posting in here :) y'all have some pretty interesting journals..

mood:  devious
music:  Klezmatics - NY I Adore


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27 Jan 2004
23:05
[Public]
lol this is an all out war. kinda fun though...

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27 Jan 2004
22:43
[Public]
fun drama in[info]johnthcandyvamp!

mood:  cheerful
music:  Sleater-Kinney - I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone


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19 Jan 2004
02:13
horror movie whore[Public]
Friday we spent the night at Travis' house with Chris, Darick, and Travis' boyfriend (who i introduced him to :)) Eddie. we watched Jason vs. Freddy, the movie annie and i saw when we went on our first real date when we started going out. decent movie but the only thing about Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street movies is that the story jumps around like crazy...horror movie rant )
okay so its official im a horror movie fanatic. can't help myself :) but there is only one horror sequel that I am obsessed over, Hellraiser. they story is a bit choppy from movie to movie but it still explains itself well. i can give you an answer to almost any question about hellraiser, name all of the cenobites and humans trying to send them back to hell. I love it :)

so we were watching Freddy vs jason and we start talking about hellraiser, travis didn't understand some stuff about it so i cleared that up, but Chris asked me one question about hellraiser 1 i just didn't know. i dont want to get into the question but man did i dwell on it for a couple hours lol. i just now had time to find out the answer and i feel so much better. wow i have no life. lol.

so the weekend wasn't too bad. im still a little sick, now just a stuffy and runny nose but that should go away soon since my antibiotics are gone. didn't go to the farm show saturday because we got there late but annie did get me a Pinhead doll :D pics below!!! I love her so much. She is geoing to get me the total set of cenobites from the series. easy xmas and birthday gifts lol. well im going to go..ciao ciao.

mood:  congested
music:  Le Tigre / Hot Topic


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