Red KoolAid 5.0

Mon, 12 Apr 2004 01:04:13 GMT

Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hungabout.
Strawberry Fields forever.

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.
It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out, it doesn't matter much to me.
Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hungabout.
Strawberry Fields forever.

No one I think is in my tree, I mean it must be high or low.
That is you can't you know tune in but it's all right, that is I think it's not too bad.
Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hungabout.
Strawberry Fields forever.

Always, no sometimes, think it's me, but you know I know when it's a dream.
I think I know I mean a 'Yes' but it's all wrong, that is I think I disagree.
Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real and nothing to get hungabout.
Strawberry Fields forever.
Strawberry Fields forever.

this is the only song that can make me forget everything. i sit in my old room on the floor and just put this on repeat for hours. so mellow, calm. puts me in this daze and i just concentrate on..nothing. it finds a way to get inside me on its own.

Mon, 29 Mar 2004 22:59:22 GMT

i look around and see something that has a resemblance to a place i wished for since i was in junior high. so excited when we signed the lease, so excited when we went shopping for random objects we would never use for our apartment. now i'm homeless. i am now looking at something she refers to as her apartment. why did i let her trick me into thinking this wasn't half mine? why did i let her kick me out on the street while she tells me she cares? why do i want to belive she does? these are questions that i dont have answers for. i dont know. i see one towel in the bathroom, a twin sized bed on the floor in our bedroom. i am not wanted here, i am just a loathed visitor constantly being watched who takes takes takes but never gives. where are my things? i start looking. buried in closets, hidden away, never want to be looked at again, like a bad memory you've thrown out of your mind. i look at my unfinished living room. half painted pictureless walls, no couch to think your going lay on after you get into an argument even though you know will clear up as soon as you go back into the bedroom and ask for a pillow. our dining room table sits against the wall with one constructed chair. symbolic maybe? visions flashed through my mind of dinner parties, midnight drunken rowdyness that always ends in a passionate kiss and a soft carrass. where has my life gone? flushed down the gossip toilet..another sonny and cher, or bonny and clyde, never to be remembered again. its like a bad movie..you wait for the climax for 45 minutes, when it comes, emotions flow, when it dies down, you eagarly anticipate closure..with me, the movie ends there. leaving me undone and incomplete. you replay the scenes over and over but its not enough, its not what you yearn. "someone has to be happy in the end!" i think to myself, dying to know if the characters you were rooting for lived a meaningful life forever and ever. but what you dont see is, someone is happy. that person isn't the one you wanted to be happy without their co-star. so what do you do to fill the void? nothing. no sequel, no alternate endings...you have to wait, wait for the movie to come out on DVD for the sequels and alternate endings..will you be content with the other options? you'll have to wait for minutes, hours, days, weeks for an answer. i pray for another ending to satisfy me.

Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights the TV and the radio but still I can't escape the ghost of you
What is happening to me crazy some would say
Where is the life that I recognize, gone away

And I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say pride will tear us both apart
Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops runaway
Left me in the vaccuum of my heart
What is happening to me crazy some will say where is my friend when I need you most gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive

articles

Tue, 23 Mar 2004 15:49:24 GMT

Attachment style refers to how a person goes about developing all sorts of relationships (Bowlby, Ainsworth, and Bartholomew). These patterns start in early life but go on to effect how we move through friendships, work relationships, family matters and of course the quality of our adult love relationships. It influences things like whom we're attracted to and invite into our lives, how we perceive conflict, how we maintain optimal closeness or distance, and how we leave relationships.

We develop relational maps from childhood to navigate how to give and receive love. Thus, clingy or dismissive adult behaviors are not really about the other person; they are often more of an over-learned style of relating whose purpose is to keep one feeling safe and secure. So, many of us should stop blaming our partner for our insecure feelings - we may have them no matter who we were with.

Remember that these styles are really strategies of connection despite looking on the surface like sure ways to prevent intimacy. They were developed for good reasons and are just outdated security mechanisms. Try to find yourself and your partner, and think about your history of choices of lovers.

SECURELY ATTACHED
Securely attached adults find it relatively easy to get close to others and are comfortable depending on people and having others depend on them. They don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close. They experience higher degrees of felt love and security in their relationships, have higher self-esteem and are considered well adjusted, nurturing and warm by their peers. Not surprisingly, their relationships have last longer, and have more trust, commitment and interdependence.

Contrary to what you may have heard, securely attached adults are not mythological creatures; science has documented their existence. In fact, evidence indicates there are many such G/L/B/T individuals in and around Texas. The number of them available, seeking, and living near you, however, remains unconfirmed.

If it's any consolation, even securely attached folks have pockets of craziness and insanity like everyone else. They just recover more quickly and don't go as far out in their 'Sybil' moments.

So where does that leave the rest of us?

INSECURELY ATTACHED
Insecure attachment styles are sub-categorized into two categories: avoidantly attached and anxious/ambivalently attached styles.

Avoidantly attached
Individuals who learned to avoid feelings of attachment are afraid of feeling "mushy" emotions like tenderness and need. These avoidantly attached individuals are uncomfortable being very close to others and find it difficult to let themselves depend on others or to be trusted by others completely.

Partners of avoidantly attached folks often want them to be more intimate than they are comfortable being. Their self-esteem is derived more from their various abilities and competencies rather than an internalized positive regard from others. In English that means they attach to their work, accomplishments and "stuff" more easily than to people.

Avoidantly attached adults are not trying to be difficult; they are sincerely unaware of their own feelings of dependency and need. It is not that they do not have these needs; it is that they are uncomfortable feeling and expressing emotional needs, often even to themselves.

As the above chart indicates, if an avoider's view of self is positive, they will have a more dismissive style of maintaining distance in their relationships. If the avoider's view of self is more negative, they will have a more paranoid-feeling, fearful manner in which they avoid intimacy.

Anxious/ambivalent attachment styles
Those who developed a more dependent style are afraid of being abandoned and use vigilance as a way of protecting the relationship. Anxiously attached folks find that others are reluctant to get as close as they would like. They often worry that their partners don't really love them or won't stay with them. This is where the old "urge to merge" comes forward and this desire unchecked can scare people away. Those of us who lose ourselves to relationships fall into this category often.

Despite their sweet veneer, folks with a primarily anxious style of attachment often have hidden aggression related to their thwarted love expectations. It is easy to be so open and overwhelming that we chase away what we want and then can blame the other person for being "afraid of intimacy."

Now let us return to our opening questions. In case it's not already obvious, "a's" tend towards an avoidant style, "b's" towards the anxious/ambivalent sort, and if you chose "c", you're either in denial and/or the secure attachment camp. You might check it out with a loved one.

Finally, the best news of all. Even if you know for sure that you have serious inadequacies when it comes to attachment, your sense of security in relationships can definitely be improved! The best way to heal and grow into a more securely attached partner is to keep getting to know yourself and commit to growing through mutually intimate and loving long-term relationships. Keep talking it out, trusting, sharing, growing, talking some more and loving your good friends, family, therapist or lover.

Most of us have experienced that heady, erotic, adrenaline driven experience called falling in love. Some of us have enjoyed it once or twice, and others have been there too many times to count. Regardless of the frequency of this sweet ride, most consider it wonderful. We sing, smile a lot, fantasize endlessly about our next encounter with Mr. or Ms Right, usually lose weight because we're not getting enough sleep, and dare to dream that this could be the one. This period is called the Honeymoon Stage of the relationship and, unfortunately, as sweet as it is, it cannot last. No one can sustain the full intensity of such an experience over time. As the honeymoon is winding down or coming to a screeching halt depending upon the styles of the participants, some decide they've fallen out of love and are off to find another wild ride. For others, the change is the signal that they've entered into the second stage of relationship.

I have heard people say they could almost hear the click when they went from one stage to another. That sweet woman whom they couldn't keep their eyes off of suddenly begins to sound like Mom, or that mesmerizing hunk of burning love becomes the other side of an old familiar power struggle. There are lots of different labels for this second stage contingent upon the various struggles announcing its arrival. Some examples follow:

1) The Power Struggle Stage - Every couple has to address issues of power and control. Who is in power? Who makes the decisions? How is the power distributed in the relationship? Sometimes an abrupt change in the distribution of power proclaims the end of the honeymoon stage.

2) The Fighting Stage - All couples experience disagreements and anger. The key is how do they solve disagreements or manage anger? Often the first real fight moves a couple to the second stage of relationship. Sometimes the second stage is primarily characterized by disagreements and fighting.

3) The Disillusionment Stage - You are not who I thought you were. My dreams are not going to be realized. Did I create an illusion and fall in love with it? Every relationship has a certain degree of illusion making and subsequent disillusionment announcing the end of the honeymoon. Typically, this is known as falling off the pedestal.

4) The Transference Stage - Issues from our past relationships affect the quality of our present relationship especially if there are unaddressed issues of trauma or abuse. The truth is we all bring our issues from the past into our relationships and the more important someone is to us the more likely we are to bring those issues to life. For example, if our new found love is having a moment of reverie gazing thoughtfully out of the window and we interpret that behavior as hostile withdrawal reminiscent of our stepmother's treatment of us when we were a child, chances are we experiencing transference. Essentially, when our past begins to distort the reality of our present relationship, we are well into the second stage.

5) The Working Stage - Whether the second stage of a relationship is characterized by one or all of the above examples, it requires some effort to manage the issues that have surfaced. It does not mean that the fun is over. It does mean that the relationship has moved to a new level; and if the fun is going to continue, these issues need to be faced.

It is tempting to treat the end of the honeymoon stage as a bad thing. Actually just the opposite is true. If the relationship is to grow and deepen, it has to move beyond the first stage, as exciting and wonderful as it is, into the growing pains of the second stage.

The bottom line is, the second stage is about our own personal growth. We have to face the ghosts of our old pathological patterns and disfunctional defenses if we are going to sustain the relationship. Now isn't that great news! We find the partner of our dreams and then discover that if we are going to ride off into the sunset with our find, we have to develop some self awareness and probably address some old unfinished business. Not surprisingly for many of us, it is just too much trouble. We would rather hop from honeymoon to honeymoon, relishing the early stage and taking our leave when the work begins.

Of course, the same process is going on with our partner. About the same time we are being triggered by some perceived irritating imperfection in our prince and/or princess, chances are they are being driven up the wall by something in ourselves which we deem to be innocent or misunderstood. Not only are our old ghosts surfacing, they are consorting with the ghosts of our partner. The ensuing dance can be both provocative and painful.

Unfortunately, the dance or pattern can also be familiar. It has not missed the attention of those who study relationships that we often ingeniously and unconsciously choose potential partners with issues that provoke our own and vice-versa. This appears to be driven by a need for psychic repair. Unfortunately, it also appears that we can repeat the pattern over and over again with partner after partner until we finally get it - or not. The optimistic perspective is that this new relationship is opportunity for growth. The spiritual perspective is that it is no accident that this very person has come into our lives.

So the second stage of relationship is about both parties attempting to learn how to live with another human being in a way that promotes their own and their partner's healing and personal growth. Sounds kind of intimidating doesn't it? Here you are thinking you are just enjoying the titillating excitement of the honeymoon stage and you might be about to embark on a transformative experience for both parties. Attempting to navigate this second stage is challenging to say the least. Sometimes the participants discover that there is not a sufficient match to support or sustain the growth of both parties; sometimes they discover the level of commitment and hard work it requires is beyond their willingness or skill; and sometimes they discover they need the help of a professional to assist them through unknown and possibly frightening territory.

This is probably the best place to correct a possible misunderstanding. Talking about all this work gives the impression that we have no choice but to abandon the euphoria of the honeymoon stage for the salt mines of the second stage where we are doomed to slave away masochistically pursuing an illusive process that takes an indeterminate amount of time for questionable results. If true, it would make sense to bolt the second the honeymoon begins to wane. Realistically, the second stage does involve work, but if it is not balanced by growing satisfactions, a generous helping of delight, and occasional moments of bliss, it would make sense to question continued participation.

This brings us to the third stage of relationship, called the practicing stage, which involves putting to use all the things that have been learned in the second stage. It is important to point out that this process is not strictly linear. The third stage does not happen all at once; it gradually emerges as we grow through the second stage. Also, life is always is serving us new challenges and we, individually or in tandem with our partner, are routinely called upon to revisit the second working stage. However, each experience builds upon the last and gets easier as we practice.

Ideally, the third stage is the place where a new kind of love can be experienced which makes the honeymoon version pale by comparison. It is a love that is capable of revisiting the pleasure and excitement of that honeymoon experience but is not primarily defined by that excitement. This love comes from a part of us that lay dormant before we began the task of self discovery that being in a working relationship demands. It is a love born of the mutual risk of vulnerability and the creation of ever deepening more intimate connections with our partner.

Most of us, in the course of our lives, make several attempts at getting this relationship thing down and have had our false starts, agonizing disappointments, and necessary but unpleasant learning experiences. We might even see the rationale behind hopping from honeymoon to honeymoon expecting little else. Then again, maybe if we understand the process and the potential reward, we will be able to not only savor the honeymoon stage but all that lies beyond as well.

So what makes some relationship work while others kind of limp along? The answer, I'm afraid, is clichéd but true: Friendship.

Research consistently shows your lovemaking and arguing are ruled not by sex appeal or conflict management, but by how connected you feel to one another when you are not having sex or fighting. It's in the ordinary moments of doing laundry together, watching the news, installing tile, or planning a vacation together that you determine the level of strength in your relationship. For example, do you genuinely like your lover, is s/he your best friend or confidant? Do you respect each other? It is surprising how many couples are often not be able to feel such simple but important things as love, like, respect, and fondness for their partners.

The number one reason most people break up is because they simply grow apart over time. Affairs, for example, are usually a symptom, often caused by the loneliness that occurs after a drift away from one another in the relationship. Communication problems, money issues, differing sex drives, all of this can be manageable if you otherwise admire, respect and feel connected to your partner.

It comes as no surprise that unsatisfied couples are much more negative toward each other in their relationships. As a matter of fact, the more negative, defensive, or shut down one is in the relationship, the more likely the couple is headed for divorce. All couples struggle with this negativity. Happier couples, however, engage in more "turning toward" behaviors so that the good outweighs the bad. Turning toward your partner means just that. In that moment where you have the choice to connect or to disengage, find a way to join with your partner.

For example, when your partner laughs at a comic strip in the paper, rather than go on reading the business section, pause and ask what he's laughing at. Then listen and learn a little about your lover as he shares the comic strip. Share the laugh if it's natural. Or as you are getting ready in the morning actually notice him, touch the small of his back as you pass by the sink, hand him a towel as he's getting out of the shower, actually listen as he tells you about his day. It's subtle but powerful - try it! Turning towards each other includes the things you did without thinking in the early stages of your relationship, but now may require a bit more conscious effort.

This level of responsiveness and connection can be nourished, and if it has faded, it returns relatively quickly with minimal effort. Do things like remember what it was like when you fell in love. Remember how you decided to settle down with this particular person. Think about your very favorite attributes of your lover. Tell your partner the story again of the moment you knew he or she was "the one." Trust was shared and can be again, daily.

Try this super-easy, risk-free, three-minute couple's exercise daily for at least the next week. Each morning find out at least one significant detail of your partner's day. It may be lunch with friend, a meeting with her boss, a report that is due, or a phone call he's dreading but needs to make. The simple act of reconnecting to the details of the life of the person you love can begin to add life to your relationship. Later, follow up to find out how the fill-in-the-blank went. The idea is to let your marriage take up significant space in your heart and mind so that it is attended to luxuriously.

Learning more and more about your partner and building up the sense of connection and friendship will act as an immunization against the rough spots all relationships hit at some point. It will also increase passion and zest, and improve your overall level of satisfaction in the relationship.

Fri, 19 Mar 2004 19:27:44 GMT

know what? im not going to get bent out of shape about everything. im not going to hide my feelings or anything like that anymore. im in a good damn mood right now and im not going to let anything ruin it. so forget all the moopy posts and woe is me bullshit and have fun. im going to philly tomorrow night and im going to enjoy it. im going to play laser tag, haven't found anyone yet but i will, on sunday. and tonighti m going to finish painting, put my records on the wall, and install my phones. and ash into my brand new fucking ashtray. booyah!

from 03-16-2003 some things dont change

Fri, 19 Mar 2004 17:50:02 GMT

i was thinking, since i have nothing else to do lol, about what i want. i keep thinking, if someone asked me what i want most with someone, just one thing, what would i say? i mean, there's trust, humor, good sex, lol. i decided that i believe anything monogamous is the most important. i'm not a jealous person, but i dont like to feel threatened. i know i'm not attractive and if i am in a relationship, i want to know they will not do any thing to jeopardize our relationship. no i'm not talking about anyone specific. just listening to all my friends who have boyfriends or girlfriends, if you can't trust someone, how are you going to feel safe with them? saying one thing but doing another is hard to deal with.

how do you know when you found the right one? i dont know if i should listen to my heart or my mind. i just ache for someone to hold and someone to open up to without a girlfriend or boyfriend getting jealous, thinking i'm trying to steal their love away. i'm so confused, i never know when to advance or back off..am i hard to communicate with? or too easy to communicate with? damn i dont know where to begin, or where to end. my mind is going crazy worrying about things like this. fuck, why can't anything be simple? ill brb..

annie: wanna see the movie with Queen Latifa
me: eww
me: lol
annie: hahahah
me: not really lol
annie: wanna make out in the movie theater
me: lol
annie: well that's better then a no

"its a walk-off! its a walk off..."

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 03:52:41 GMT

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gotta buy paint, gotta buy wood, gotta buy bedding. whew! so so so excited! we start painting saturday. not telling what we are doing!!!!!! my mom is giving me my tv which has a tape and dvd player in it so we dont have to worry about that. spring break is this week. saturday was fun...lol...almost got myself into a fight with a girl i've known for a couple years. she's too much of a puss anyway but i would to challenger her to a walk-off. <does zoolander's pose> :) my mom is cool about me moving out, she is giving me a load of stuff for the apartment. i gotta call dave though for a truck hmm. i dont know how well that will go over. well im going to go do something productive...have a good week everyone :)

my rant of the night

Thu, 26 Feb 2004 07:14:43 GMT

i think porn is pretty stupid. if you can get off to someone's picture on a glass screen then...yeah. i think its degrading. not to the female gender, just to me. i'm not comfortable with my body so its okay to look at naked strangers on a screen? josh tried that and i wasn't having it. the worst part is, he did it on my own computer while i was away! some slap in the face. i dont care if anyone else likes it or not, i am just not comfortable with my body to be okay with watching my partner masterbate to someone else.

other than that, life is great, moving out soon. check out johnthcandyvamp and add me if you want because i dont know how long i am going to keep posting in here :) y'all have some pretty interesting journals..

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 04:05:36 GMT

lol this is an all out war. kinda fun though...

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 03:43:18 GMT

fun drama in johnthcandyvamp!

horror movie whore

Mon, 19 Jan 2004 07:13:17 GMT

Friday we spent the night at Travis' house with Chris, Darick, and Travis' boyfriend (who i introduced him to :)) Eddie. we watched Jason vs. Freddy, the movie annie and i saw when we went on our first real date when we started going out. decent movie but the only thing about Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street movies is that the story jumps around like crazy... Freddy's daughter killed him off..then in Jason vs. Freddy, he talked about the reason he hasn't killed was because he was stuck in limbo due to the parents of Elm street never mentioning his name to the kids growing up, thus people "forgot about him" which is why he needed Jason to go hack up some kids on Elm Street so they would think its Freddy.

dont get that.

then Jason "dies" in jason goes to manhattan then reappears in Jason X and he gets sent to space then gets sent to "Earth 2"

okay so its official im a horror movie fanatic. can't help myself :) but there is only one horror sequel that I am obsessed over, Hellraiser. they story is a bit choppy from movie to movie but it still explains itself well. i can give you an answer to almost any question about hellraiser, name all of the cenobites and humans trying to send them back to hell. I love it :)

so we were watching Freddy vs jason and we start talking about hellraiser, travis didn't understand some stuff about it so i cleared that up, but Chris asked me one question about hellraiser 1 i just didn't know. i dont want to get into the question but man did i dwell on it for a couple hours lol. i just now had time to find out the answer and i feel so much better. wow i have no life. lol.

so the weekend wasn't too bad. im still a little sick, now just a stuffy and runny nose but that should go away soon since my antibiotics are gone. didn't go to the farm show saturday because we got there late but annie did get me a Pinhead doll :D pics below!!! I love her so much. She is geoing to get me the total set of cenobites from the series. easy xmas and birthday gifts lol. well im going to go..ciao ciao.

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 05:50:25 GMT

okay so i did go see annie for our 6 month togetherness. i bought a dozen roses and a beanie baby bear to her other job at mcdonalds. i was so scared that she figured out i was coming but i guess was surprised as hell. :) i couldn't not see her today. i hung out there for a couple hours while she worked..like old times :) and i have another little surprise for her tomorrow but i can't say what it is on here. well hope everyone had a good night and i love you so much baby. happy 6 months!!!!!!!! :D

Thu, 08 Jan 2004 06:35:09 GMT

talking up until this month. another factor was her sister who didn't like me because she was so controlling over jen. well today her and annie and i are hanging out. well we run back to her house so she can get some money for me that she owed from saturday then we were goign to go to eat n park. well she is in her house for like, 20 minutes. she comes back out and says she got into a fight with her dad..what was the fight about? me. her dad didn't want us hanging out because i have a girlfriend and like other girls and he thought my "lifestyle" or whatever would rub off on her.

first of all, i dont surround myself with gay people, if i had a choice in the matter, i would be friends with more straight people because most gay people i come across are catty and "too gay" for me. i'd rather talk about your favorite horror movies than what new fabulous gay movie is coming out. that is the one stereotype i desperately try to get away from. when i talk to people, i dont say "oh im so gay!!" or beat it into peoples skulls and constantly remind them that im gay. thats not what im about. this man has known me for as long as i can remember.

who told him this info? her sister. i already had beef with her from a year ago and this new info just further pissed me off. she's done a HELL of a lot more shit than i have so she has no reason to try and break up jen and i's friendship. jen is as straight as they come and i dont plan and never did plan on disrupting that. nothing will rub off on her. if she wants to kiss a girl, thats on her but it wont be me or annie and it wont be because of me or annie.

it kinda upsets me because this is the first time parents didn't want me seeing my friend. boyfriends and girlfriends i had to deal with everytime, mostly because im black. but it hurts. like when people say, "well you know what you are, this happens" i say fuck that. no this is not who i am. i love annie and annie happens to be a girl. love is love. when someone asks me to define myself, i dont say, well im a big old dyke...no, because im not. yes i like females but im jewell, im a human, im different, im unique. being gay isn't at adjective. im still same person i was when i was sleeping over jens, just a little bit more mature. i dont really know what to do. i'd rather him hate me for anything else but that.

anyway...better note....say happy birthday to annie because today she is 20!!!!! we are going snowboarding, then dinner, then stonewall. going to be a kickass time. my mom is back from jail...so no private time for annie and i in a warm bed for a while. hopefully she is moving out soon so it wont be toooo long. well im going to go...gotta finish figuring out what im going to wear boarding tomorrow..ta ta people.

x posted to acidremix999

p.s. hey shannon! ill be online more since ill be home. ill hit you up soon :D

Sat, 27 Dec 2003 23:39:33 GMT

you know its love when your trading cough meds with your girlfriend

Tue, 23 Dec 2003 09:48:24 GMT

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
put the kissing tower to good use

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
im still fat so no and no

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
um..no

4. Did anyone close to you die?
my great grandmother but that wasn't a big loss

5. What countries did you visit?
just usa sadly

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003? determination in school

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Oct 31st..trip to nyc

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
finally getting what i wanted

9. What was your biggest failure?
school!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nope..i think i may have had a cold

11. What was the best thing you bought?
uh..

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
chris..he finally got a man

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
josh's before we broke up.

14. Where did most of your money go?
food and cover for clubs.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
hersheypark, nyc, and shampoo.

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
so happy together-turtles.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier def.
ii. thinner or fatter? same i think.
iii. richer or poorer? POORER lol

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
save up my money probably.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
drinking...naw i dont lol.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with fam.

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
Yes :)

23. How many one-night stands?
2?

24. What was your favorite TV program?
blind date

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
um..i hate a lot of people so i can't keep track.

26. What was the best book you read?
orlando.

27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery?
butchies or the walkmans.

28. What did you want and get?
annie.

29. What did you want and not get?
more money.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Secretary.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
19, drank probably

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
finding a better job

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
same as always, hat, hoodie, t-shirts, skate shoes, doc martins, and my engagement ring

34. What kept you sane?
alcohol

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Maggie Gyllenhaal

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
gay marriage only because of annie.

37. Who did you miss?
Eh, a few people. Some I don't miss anymore.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
josh

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
Stop being a whore and realize that the one thing to keep you sane is right in front of you

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
you're all potential anarchy burgers
if you want to be free
order yourself an anarchy burger
(hold the government, please)

Mon, 22 Dec 2003 05:45:33 GMT

first night of Chanukah went great...here are pics of the food i made and annie's presents to me :D

mandy helping me cook rice

my hens..with honey and raisins

my two presents from annie :D score! yup im happy :)

Fri, 19 Dec 2003 21:01:38 GMT

got a lot of cooking to do but i think ill take a nap first lol

Thu, 18 Dec 2003 00:51:31 GMT

past 72 hours have been interesting..got about 2 hours of sleep monday when annie spent the night then got up at 8 to run errands. chilled at home till about 6am this morning when Josh(my ex) texted me wanting to know if i wanted to hang out after he got off work at 8am. he lives in shippensburg so i said sure. got about 45 minutes worth of sleep before i drove down there. wasn't as long of a drive as i thought..about 30-40 minutes. met him at his apt and we sat and drank till about 11am. then we both passed out in a vicodin stuper...well he had 2 and i had one. he's going through a really hard time and i am glad he knows im there for him. he might go back to the UK if he suspects he's going to jail. that kinda sucks but at least i hope i can go visit him sometime. after we woke up (around 4) he made eggs/potatos and boca burgers. good times. im now home..going to take a nap then go to philly to shampoo. hope they play loa or depeche mode tonight. i wanna get there as early as i can for the mosh pit. :D life is good.

Tue, 16 Dec 2003 00:34:57 GMT

FREEDOM!!!! and with freedom comes a price. its my mom in jail. :P

time to study. math math math quadratic equations

Mon, 08 Dec 2003 03:02:18 GMT

i told my mom about converting..she didn't care...just as long as i had some religion in my life. i was making latkes last night and she liked them. the only thing about jewish food is all the oil. kinda gave me a stomach ache. i dont usually eat fried food. i had bought some maztos last night and was sitting there and BoB came up to me. i shoved it in his face and told him to eat it. my mom said he wasn't going to eat it but he started licking away. as my mom walked out the room she said "BoB's a jew too?!"

the only problem is jewish friends. i'm going to talk to a rabbi either tomorrow or tuesday..depending on if i get my project done for school. i hope i have time in my schedule next semester to start taking classes. if not ill have to make time. dedication right? ill try my best. my biggest problem...being kosher..means giving up meat lovers pizza and cheeseburgers..among other dairy/meat combinations.

i think i would rather have annie and i get married before the conversion process is done. it will be hard enough finding someone who will wed us..even harder finding a rabbi who will wed an interfaith lesbian couple. we can still have a ceremony if she wants to after i convert. up to her.

we chilled with her sister and her sis's fiance last night..he's really cool. a lot better than her other guy she was dating when annie and i were in high school. he was jerk. they made cookies...good times. a topic came up..serious one...about me probably never going to be able to come to family functions and you know what her bf said? that i was allowed to come to their family fuctions..i felt almost apart of the fam as he is with that comment. technically we are both kinda in the same boat..except annie and i dont have a place yet. soon soon soon. i have a job interview with the company annie works for tomorrow. i hope i get it..my money is diminishing quickly. well..time to go to research on the paxton creek..

Sat, 06 Dec 2003 08:40:26 GMT

so its official..i'm converting to Reform Judaism. I am ready for religion in my life. I just have a feeling my life and myself would be a little bit better with religion. if you have any personal info in judaism you would like to share..do tell :)

i've been feeling a little weird since last night. i'm a jealous person. not going to lie about that. 95% of the time i am not worried about it. i get over it, move on because its not that big of a deal. but its just certain things that make me pissed off or hurt. i can be told a million times that there is nothing to worry about but how many people actually feel better when they hear that? you still worry. i'm going to continue to worry. i'm jealous for a couple reasons...the biggest reason may not be what she thinks it is. or maybe she would know. i dont know. but anyway. i have been just submerging myself in research about judaism when i think about it. ill deal. gonna try and go to bed now.

Wed, 03 Dec 2003 10:14:50 GMT

10 things you're looking forward to (not in order)
1. getting a job
2. drinking
3. my mom to go to jail
4. seeing annie
5. finishing annie's present
6. going to shampoo
7. seeing chante
8. petting BoB
9. armel coming home
10. going to new york WITH MONEY lol

9 things you wear everyday
1. A bra
2. socks
3. a hoodie
4. my hat
5. a smile for annie
6. a frown for the world
7. undies..no matter who's undies lol
8. lotion!!!
9. my wild hair

8 things that annoy you
1. loud people
2. gay people..sometimes
3. not seeing annie
4. my mom
5. having to go home to a cold empty bed
6. people getting hurt
7. not having a job
8. college

7 things you touch daily
1. annie
2. my car
3. my hair
4. my fucking nokia
5. the computer
6. BoB
7. my DVS'

6 artists/bands u like
1. Depeche Mode
2. Lords of Acid
3. Sleater-Kinney
4. KMFDM
5. The Butchies
6. ma dick

5 favorite songs of the moment
1. i'm not waiting - sleater-kinney
2. Billy Idol - Flesh For Fantasy
3. Billy Idol - Hot In The City
4. Go Soundtrack - Cha Cha Cha
5. Outkast - Hey Ya

4 people you spend the most time with
1. annie
2. chris
3. BoB
4. um..chris's friends??

3 movies you could watch again and again
1. but i'm a cheerleader
2. shock treatment
3. all hellraiser movies

2 things you could do everyday
1. sleep with annie
2. be warm

my top 10 favorite movies

Wed, 03 Dec 2003 09:42:59 GMT

1. Go ---also my favorite soundtrack
2. Orlando ---also my favorite book
3. Hellraiser Series ---just all around my favorite series
4. Shock Treatment ---I like weird movies
5. Four Rooms ---one of the funniest movies

runner-ups:
6. Rocky Horror Picture Show- i really had to think about this not being in the top 5. if i was picking top 10 soundtracks..this would be up there.
7. Batman series---i dont know why lol. i think because i never get tired of watching them.
8. Halloween Series--- he's hot
9. Cherish ---and the movie where i first heard annie and i's song
10. Donnie Darko--- because its so unique i dont understand it :)

lol no gay movies on here!
ill edit this if the list changes... :D

Sat, 29 Nov 2003 09:42:05 GMT

so i took up smoking. or at least trying. i figure that annie is never going to quit so i may as well start. my throat was kinda sore but i guess that stops with time? i dont know. i know we have some smokers up in here. if i dont like it then ill quit. damn..i would never do this for anyone.

i must really love her? sometimes i still can't believe im in love. i'm not doubting my feelings..its just weird that life with her feels so perfect. when i'm not with her i feel like im going to do something bad...though i never would. i just wonder how i would feel if i did do something bad. i probably wouldn't be able to deal with it. i dont mind going to stallions without her but i felt like i was doing something wrong going to stonewall without her last night. if it wasn't for chris and him having a boyfriend but still going i would feel bad. one of the best decisions i've made was not having sex with her when i met her. she would hate me now. lol man i am so happy with everything right now.

Something happens and I'm head over heels
I never find out till I'm head over heels
Something happens and I'm head over heels ...okay the song is on now lol

i had a really long convo with cindy..someone from annie's and i guess mines past. we talked about everything. kids, her now girlfriend kim(again), amanda, asses, the past, dressing up, relationship stuff. very interesting convo. i told her i was jealous of her and she told me that i could have been with annie because she was into me(i already explained that above lol) and i told her i didn't want to hurt her. i guess we were both surprised that there was actually something to like about each other. weird. well its almost 5am and im going to bed. ciao ciao.

Thu, 27 Nov 2003 07:56:05 GMT

i was looking through old entries AGAIN and i came across a post about inviting my ex girlfriend sam to stallions with annie, armel, noah, and i but decided not to because i didn't want tension. "they better get along or i'll have to tie them both down", written on my 18th bday. damn i am such a loser. lol

Thu, 27 Nov 2003 07:42:23 GMT

yet another icon...

Livejournal meet debbie..debbie meet livejournal. :)

life is good. get to eat turkey. school sucks. photography is going to be exciting again. i just want this semester over with. i'm tired of school but i know that it will work towards something in the future. the job thing is still non-existant. i am TRYING to get a job where annie works. they say they need people but they never call anyone back. oh well. annie's boss is going to talk to the people down at the main office about me and hopefully that will get somewhere.

for some reason i really want to have kids. like in the next couple years. i didn't tell annie that because she told me 4 years is a good enough time to start so i will just wait 4 more years. we should be better financially anyway if we wait. i just want to experience the whole 9 months but skipping the actual birth the jumping to seeing our child for the first time...okay so i dont deal well with pain..especially down there. im gonna be a screamer! lol.

so how is everyone besides chris who is possibly drunk now? lol ;) you need to visit!!!!! damn you! i still have to show you city island..for whatever reason lol. either that or ill tell you when we go to philly and we can hook up there! annie and i are thinking about moving to NJ but i've heard mixed reviews. one person said it was the armpit of america...another person said it was actually a decent state. so if anyone has any info on it..let me know! good or bad!

im going to plan a day so i can teach mandy how to make crepes. she has been bugging me about it for a few months. flour and milk..yummy!